If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Goat cheese is for herders.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds