If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
You Might Also Like
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.