@gagging

If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.

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@collinwithtwoLs

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@shutupmikeginn

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

@pleatedjeans

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

@BeCoco77

I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”

@iTweetNShit

$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

@DaddyJew

Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?

@TheCareBare

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.