@SincerelyMen

If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

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@louisvirtel

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

@oakhillbargrill

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

@DaHess1

A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.

@DrakeGatsby

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

@Bagyants

I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

@Ygrene

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

@DumbConfessions

*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@wickedsuga

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.