[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.