If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

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The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.


If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo


A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.


me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH


I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”


ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test


Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all


*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.


To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.


Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.