My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.