If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs