When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
cause of death:
autopsy.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.