Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.