If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
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*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old: