If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
U talkin 2 me?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie