if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.