Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Holy shit he’s back
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
2 years later
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him