@lloydrang

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

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@SocialExtortion

It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them

@PaigeKellerman

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

@abhorrent_wife

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

@SexySpainNights

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

@pilau

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

@BillMc7

Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

@_Rewhan

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid