If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Duck typos.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.