If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My first child will be named New Folder.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok