@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

@VenisVal

It’s easier to compliment a woman when you’re traveling with a toddler.

“Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes.”

@HatfieldAnne

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

@jonnysun

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

@starsnbars7

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

@roxiqt

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.

@mrtruthandsoul

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

@girlposts

Trump: Can I get past
Biden: What’s the password
Trump: I don’t know
Biden: Losers says what
Trump: What
Obama: JOE