If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill


It’s easier to compliment a woman when you’re traveling with a toddler.

“Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes.”


“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.


[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”


1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside


Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?


DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers


Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.


[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend


Trump: Can I get past
Biden: What’s the password
Trump: I don’t know
Biden: Losers says what
Trump: What
Obama: JOE