If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
You Might Also Like
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Best mom ever 😂
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.