@T4dyce

If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.

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@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@TheMcBang

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

@BruceForce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt

@andylevy

Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk

@abi4205

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

@mommajessiec

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

@Sorrowscopes

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

@bazecraze

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”