Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.
All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
This is just a bottomless Pitt
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”