Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes