Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.