If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
WHY?!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.