If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once