@turtledumplin

If you think your life is bad, just think, at least you weren’t one of those hotel guests that showered, brushed their teeth and drank the water from the water tank that had a dead body in it.

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@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@copymama

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

@WilliamAder

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

@chuuew

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

@deardilettante

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

@DrakeGatsby

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@yonewt

Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your “sweatie”