I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
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Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas