@SCbchbum

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

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@Elizasoul80

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

@stockejock

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

@HumbleBeastDre

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

@thenatewolf

A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.

@dhumann

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

@StinkyGr33n

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

@RealLucasNeff

The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.

@living_marble

Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.