if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.


Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?


‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French


If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.


A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.


Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”


I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.


The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.


Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.