If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency


Man called 911 to ask why there was a cop sitting outside his place of employment (fast food place) for so long. He told my dispatcher he was nervous he was going to get arrested because of his felony warrants.

And that’s how you go from eating lunch to arresting someone.


Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling


Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead


Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.


cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy


Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.


My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.


Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.


BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
BIDEN: Kick, then.