@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

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@EwdatsGROSS

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

@Gilapfeffer

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

@Bob_Janke

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@ADHDeanASL

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”