If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos


*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3


Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.


Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.


6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.


Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.


Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.


Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”