“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, “you’ll need your receipt.” I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life…
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs