If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Those are good neighbors.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude