If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
You Might Also Like
🥶🥶🐶🐶
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Alexa: *deep breath*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.