@Rollinintheseat

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

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@daemonic3

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

@mrgan

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

@PercySleeves

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?

DOG: Cat person, definitely.

@FuckabillyRex

I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?

@abbycohenwl

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

@LifeUnPinterest

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

@tastefactory

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt