If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Lmfaoooooo
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.