If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
🤣😂
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Help Wanted
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh