@SuperJuanderer

if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”

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@doktorj

As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.

@markydoodoo

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

@Manali_Shetye5

{Stalker Diary}
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

@FrankCurtisB

When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.

@LostFelicia

If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.

@perfect_boxx

I’m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage

@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

@Malocallidus

What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?

@iwearaonesie

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant