An odd boast
if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”
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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?
If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.