@SuperJuanderer

if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”

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@uncledrunky

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@IDontSpeakWhine

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@iwearaonesie

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@shopkins776

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

@cbdoubleu

Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?

@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

@BlackCatBettie

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.