If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition