If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.