If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I am HOWLING at this
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE