If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
You Might Also Like
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Bike for sale
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically