If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is