If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
She puts the hot in psychotic
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.