@GayAtHomeDad

If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@dreamthievin

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

@click4amanda

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

@Mike__Lee

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …