@GayAtHomeDad
@TheTweetOfGod
Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
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@TheTweetOfGod
@dreamthievin
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
@PeaceInTruth1
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
@Tmoney68
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
@XOperfectmessXO
I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.
@fishbowel
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
@click4amanda
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
@funnyordie
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
@aissalanis
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
@Mike__Lee
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …