If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.

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What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.


I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?


Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.


Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.


If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.


Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys


You’re supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.


I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes & speedos.