@GayAtHomeDad

If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.

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@PetrickSara

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

@abbycohenwl

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

@IslandsJunk

Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.

@JasonLastname

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

@HoldinCoffeeld

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

@whalesmells

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

@just1fool

You’re supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.

@TheTalkingPipe

I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes & speedos.