At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.