If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Me checking my bank balance online.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?