What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
*Puts on dragon costume
*Waits in bushes
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.