If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
sry
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th