If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.