My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.
So what if it was the wrong song?
There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?
Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
PSA for campus drivers
ME: want anything for breakfast?
BOSS: just banana
[struggling to hold office door shut]
ANA: let me in!
ME: sorry boss said to ban you
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
actually im ok with this
Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.
Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It’s ok. I’m right here.
Wife: Oh my god–it’s just broccoli!
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined