@heatherjs

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

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@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

@sixfootcandy

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

@thenoahkinsey

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

@samhcarr0ll

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@Brampersandon_

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

@Exclusive001

Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I just say “Hello” back because there are too many witnesses around to stab you repeatedly in the face.

@moooooog35

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

@MorticiaKate

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*