@heatherjs

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”

@pakalupapito

Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@RoosterMustache

ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you

@psybermonkey

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

@zachheltzel

Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It’s ok. I’m right here.
7:
M:
Wife: Oh my god–it’s just broccoli!

@ericsshadow

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined