If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me too 😆
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow