Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
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[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I’m going green for the holidays.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.