Rambo Rambow
You Might Also Like
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.