If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.