“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Finally!
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/