This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.