If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did