If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

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I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English


As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.


“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”


I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.


John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring


Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you


i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy


I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.


me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*