@trevso_electric

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

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@AristotlesNZ

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English

@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

@KenTremendous

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

@zorgod

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring

@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

@dog_feelings

i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy

@sucittaM

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*