If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Thursday
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.