Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.
Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.