If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.

Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.

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So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?


I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now


If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom


The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.


Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]


me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down


my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do


Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!


I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib


Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.