@om_eye_goodness

If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.

Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.

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@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@the_hawlk

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

@SwedishCanary

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

@SuperRandomish

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

@novicefather

I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.

@KyleMcDowell86

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

@WordUpBitch

The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.

@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper