9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
buying dead houseplants to save time
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please