If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
liiiiiiiiike
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
#StillHurts
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
dutch so unserious