If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

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I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.


She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many


i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad


ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]


Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.


He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.


She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.


REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no


If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands


I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.